The Wrong Man
by Caliwood
Summary: A few days before Raccoon City is overrun one tabloid reporter by the name of Gunther Vanderkrypt arrives in town to get the scoop. In a time when Raccoon needs a hero...Gunther is definitely the wrong man for the job. ComedyDramaRomance please R
1. Yep I'm an Idiot

**The Wrong Man  
**_By: Caliwood_  
  
**Disclaimer:**   
I don't own Resident Evil etc or its characters etc but I do own all the original characters featured in this story. This story is rated R because of vulgar language, violence and whatever else my sick mind can come up with. Please review or I'll die and stop updating.  
  
**Chapter 1: Yep...I'm an idiot.**   
  
The gunshots and the screams seemed to ring in my ears as I shut my eyes and prayed to God that I would open them again alive and not looking into the light of heaven. My mind raced as sweat and tears blended together as I held myself tight. As I did I thought to myself of all the wonderful things I would miss out on in the world...having children...growing old with somebody that loved me just as much as I loved them. Is it just fate or irony that a man who thrives and researches the paranormal would meet his end by his own life's passion? Or was that a fitting end? How this madness began I might never know. How I even ended up in Raccoon City is a god damn mystery. All I know is that the day I wound up in this town full of crazies on September 20th is a day I'll never forget. I suppose I started writing this because I thought my experience might make a good bestseller...now that I know I probably won't make it I'm just trying to keep a record in the hopes that maybe someday somebody will find this and know the truth about what happened here. I doubt anybody really cares about what happened to a simple tabloid reporter who got himself mixed up in so much shit he's practically drowning in it...still. Ah, what the hell....I guess I'll start from the beginning...  
  
---  
  
It was 6 o'clock on a Sunday morning when I got the call. I was just sleeping like any regular Joe would do in my sleazy and absolutely filthy little 3 room apartment. It's amazing what you can get on a journalist salary huh? Anyway I'm there, I'm alone as usual...not like I have anything that would really attract the opposite sex, "Ooh what a nice rat infested hell-hole you got here!" they'd probably say. So the phone rings and also as usual I intend on not answering it. Little did I know that the caller would just keep CALLING and CALLING for what seemed like an hour before he wore down my resistance and I answered the god damn phone.  
  
"Good morning Mr. Vanderkrypt, hope I didn't wake you..."  
  
"You slimy old bastard, what the hell do you want its 6 AM for Christ sake?!" I almost shouted into the phone. Come to think of it I would have shouted had I not been way too hung over from last nights "celebration" to tolerate noise of that level.  
  
"Well actually it's half past now since it took so long for you to answer your phone-"  
  
"Just shut up and tell me what the hell you want," I groaned into the phone recognizing the smug New Yorker tone on the other end. I'll tell you I was so close to pulling the pistol out of my bedside drawer and shooting myself at that point it's not even funny.  
  
"Mr. Vanderkrypt this is the editor of 'Weird & Strange' magazine-"  
  
"Yeah I know who you are Mr. Edwards. As soon as I answered the phone I knew I was talking to a really big prick...and the only really big prick I know who would be such an asshole as to call me this early is you so I guess it's just a process of elimination," I had said rather smugly but still rather groggily into the phone. Truth be told if you had been there to see my face when I said those words you would have seen a vague smile on a man that smelled of cheap scotch and brandy. Hell even hung over I can still dish out really good lines.  
  
"Well that's no way to talk to your future employer Mr. Vanderkrypt..."  
  
"How did you know I was free-lance?" I was suddenly more awake in that instant as I was now standing up right with the phone to my ear in my right hand and my left wiping the sweat and disbelief from my face.  
  
"Oh just about everybody heard about what happened to you down at Time magazine after you submitted that article about man-eating monsters-"  
  
"Hey I wasn't fired ok? I quit that stupid job and don't let anyone else tell you the wiser!" I shouted into the phone before shutting my eyes and clutching my head in pain as the hangover really kicked in and my mind felt like it was about to explode. Truth be told I was lying out of my ass. I didn't quit...I really did get fired. Mostly because they thought my article was complete bullshit and they were counting on me their "top journalist" to come up with something spectacular for their next issue. I didn't make up the story about man-eating monsters though...I have or I guess I should say "had" a contact down in Raccoon City who sent me the scoop first hand. Reports of families being attacked and eaten and a half- eaten hiker found in the woods. Not like I was believed so they kicked me out on my ass and now I was free-lance. I was brought back to reality by the laughing on the other end of the phone.  
  
"Sure you were Mr. Vanderkrypt...sure you were. Regardless we here at Weird & Strange magazine do print that kind of material and we'd like to pick up your story from you and hire you for a 'special assignment' as you are a very talented journalist," I tell you the man was buttering me up so much at that point you could of stuck me in a toaster and had yourself a nice breakfast slice. Of course being out of work I was desperate...normally I wouldn't even think of taking a job from some sleazy tabloid but frankly I needed to repair the damage on my reputation. Plus I kind of had an interest in the paranormal.  
  
"...Oh alright...sign me up," I very reluctantly answered looking to my bedside clock and down at my liquor stained undershirt and boxers. It was official...I really needed the job and a shower too because although I can't remember precisely I can imagine I must have smelt like something had crawled in me and died.  
  
"Excellent, I want you down here at my office at 8 o'clock sharp...understand?" I groaned knowing how far his office was from my place and me without a car or clean clothes it was going to be a VERY long day.  
  
"Yeah I understand...chief..." I muttered before I heard the comforting click of a conversation ending a long dial tone. It's a sound I had known and frankly still know very well having ended a marriage a few weeks prior to my firing. Sure I tried to call her and work things out, tried to understand why she was leaving me for some blonde idiot from the downtown testosterone farm I mean the local gym. I'm sure now you can understand why my place is a wreck along with me...she did leave me poor and with barely anything. Both spouses get half of everything huh? Hah, I wish. I'll tell you I had some nice things that were mine long before I met that bitch that I'm never going to see again. Don't have enough money to afford a lawyer to complain about it though.  
  
By this time I had already gotten up and waddled over to my very poorly kept bathroom and began shaving the "bachelor's stubble" from my face. After all I was going to need to look my best for the next prick that was going to be running my life for the next little while. Sorry if I sound bitter or cynical but that's just the kind of guy I am which was further founded on later that day.  
  
---  
  
"It's about time you got here Mr. Vanderkrypt," Mr. Edwards had called out to me as I entered the staff meeting room of the esteemed "Weird & Strange" magazine. Truth be told walking in there it seemed most of the staff matched the name to a tee. All accept for Mr. Edwards who was one of the only people in the room you wouldn't see at a Star Trek convention and the hot blonde sitting to his left. I took a "comfortable" seat to his right.  
  
"What the hell are you talking about?" I exclaimed as I looked down at my watch to check the time.  
  
"You're a minute and a half late,"  
  
"Blow me" I sighed ready to lift the one finger that mattered and show his arrogant ass the business end of my shoe. However Mr. Edwards just smiled and the hot blonde next to him looked down on me in distaste. I suppose I put on too much aftershave.  
  
"You're lucky you're such a talented man or you'd be kissing the pavement right about now Mr. Vanderkrypt,"  
  
"Cut the bullshit. I faxed you my article now what's this 'special assignment' of yours?" I exclaimed as I rolled back my eyes and failed to realize just how lucky I was to be back to work so soon.  
  
"Well Mr. Vanderkrypt...or would you prefer Gunther?"  
  
"My friends call me Gunn so yeah, you can call me Gunther," I muttered. Personally I hated the formalities and I didn't really like my name at all. I admit "Vanderkrypt" sounds cool but people always assume you're a weirdo after a name that seems like it came straight out of some Goth chick's poetry book.  
  
"Well Gunther, we've all heard about the rumors going around in Raccoon City about these man-eating monsters roaming around. Pretty soon the government is going to step in as I've caught word that if things escalate they'll quarantine the town-"  
  
"Oh yeah? And how did you catch word of this?"  
  
"Oh let's just say I have friends in high places...unlike you Gunther"  
  
"Ouch that really hurt" I sighed containing the urge to "release the beast" on the back of his head with my chair. Still I managed to keep some self control which is amazing for a guy like me as you can tell by now.  
  
"Anyway the point of all this is that I want a reporter to go into Raccoon City and a get a first hand exclusive with the townsfolk and police chief Brian Irons before it's too late. I also want that someone to stay behind and record the events first hand as it unfolds..."  
  
"Isn't that a little dangerous?" The hot blonde in the little business suit with the skirt that cut off just in the right place asked. Sorry I get easily distracted. At the time though I thought she pretty much stated the obvious and gave me a pleasant feeling I hadn't felt in years...after all I was married for quite some time.  
  
"That's why I wanted to bring in the best. That'd be you Gunther,"  
  
"Please hold your applause" I smiled smugly as I took a bow in front of everyone else with an arrogant motion that directly parodied my own employer that put a smirk on many of their faces.  
  
"I imagine you'll want to be paid extra for the danger of risking your own life in this matter so I brought this..." Mr. Edwards paused as he pulled out a silver briefcase from under the table and opened it up to reveal quite a large sum of money. I'll tell you it was like a scene out of a movie. Though I hated the bastard and I didn't really feel like putting myself in jeopardy this was a once in a lifetime opportunity. With that amount of money which looked to be in the thousands I'd be able to get my life back on track.  
  
"This money is for Gunther and anyone else that wishes to join him on this assignment".  
  
Although the money was pleasing looking around at that moment I could tell the other reporters and paranormal nerds were WAY too scared for that kind of field work. All accept one...  
  
"Sir, I'd like to go..." a timid voice echoed out in the silence as everyone including me turned to face the stranger in the doorway with the coffee pot.  
  
"Dennis we've been over this, you're an intern not a reporter...you make the coffee for gods sake-"  
  
"But sir I want to be a reporter and this assignment could really be the break I need. You don't even have to pay me I just want the chance to prove myself!" He seemed to plead like a dog for a bone right then. This kid Dennis looked to be about 18...a small skinny white boy with messy light brown hair and blue eyes masked by black framed and taped up glasses. He reminded me of me at that age...a dorkier, polyester wearing me who was obviously a virgin but me nonetheless.  
  
"Dennis this is dangerous and your uncle would-"  
  
"PLEASE SIR!" He pleaded again. This Dennis kid wanted the job more then I did and he wasn't even going to get paid. But I suppose experience like this is once in a lifetime as I had discovered later on. Reluctantly Mr. Edwards nodded and junior seemed to jump for joy unfortunately while holding the coffee pot. I tell you even I winced in pain just watching it scald his shirt while holding back a laugh.  
  
"Anyone else?" Mr. Edwards called out as everyone else looked down in shame of their own cowardice. However the hot blonde raised her hand in the silence (thank god).  
  
"I'll go Mr. Edwards" She seemed to coo and for a second our eyes met and she turned away in disgust like I was some sort of pervert. I wanted to say, "Don't flatter yourself" but I figured I'd save myself the kick in the groin.  
  
"Ms. Davies you're one of my best reporters, I wouldn't want you to lose you on this assignment-"  
  
"Well it's great to know you care so much about me" I exclaimed rolling my eyes again and leaning back in the fake leather chair that was chaffing my back.  
  
"Mr. Edwards I really want to-"  
  
"Karen if I lose you this whole magazine is going to go to pieces. I refuse to let you go and that's final" He stated quite sternly putting his fist down on the table as Ms. Hot-blonde Davies gave him a sour look and then rolled her eyes. At that moment I REALLY wanted to strangle Mr. Edwards. Now instead of having something to rest my eyes on I was going to be left alone with the coffee boy for this "high risk" assignment. Which really was just dandy because if I got into trouble I could count on him to make me a double tall mocha latte.  
  
"So when do we leave?" I asked figuring it was probably soon judging by how early he called the damn meeting.  
  
"You're to leave tomorrow at 9 AM sharp. I've booked bus tickets for you and your accompaniment..." He explained in a monotone voice as he handed me two bus tickets. Talk about a cheap skate.  
  
"What you couldn't spring for a company car or a plane ticket?" I asked with a raised eyebrow knowing the next few days would be hell since it was a 3 day bus ride to Raccoon and not only do I HATE buses but I had to ride with nerd boy Dennis the whole time.  
  
"Just get out Gunther."  
  
With that the meeting ended. Mr. Edwards gave me half my payment telling me I'd get the other half when the job was done. Right then and there I made an easy 5 grand. I was getting kind of nervous at the danger level that would require being paid 10 grand in total. Had I been a smart man I probably would have thought it through more carefully but I didn't which I now SORELY regret more then you could ever know. But little did I know any of this as I handed Dennis his bus ticket and walked out of Weird & Strange magazine headquarters. Yep...I'm an idiot.  
  
---  
  
**Closing Comments:**   
Well that's the end of the first chapter. What will happen to our pseudo anti-hero and big time grouch Gunther? How does he end up in a situation that he thinks will cost him his life in Raccoon? Will he meet up with some friendly faces and copyrighted characters along the way? And will he kill Dennis on the bus ride over? Oh and yes, I promise that though the first few chapters will be a little action-less the zombie killing, drama/tragedy stuff will be coming soon. Right now I just have to set up Gunn accordingly. I'll be updating quite frequently so don't expect a huge gap in between chapters unless people stop reviewing or I get writers block (fat chance). Remember to review if you want there to be a next time!


	2. Highway to Hell Part 1

**The Wrong Man**  
_By: Caliwood  
_  
**Disclaimer:**   
I don't own Resident Evil etc or its characters etc but I do own all the original characters featured in this story. This story is rated 14A because of vulgar language, violence and whatever else my sick mind can come up with. Please review or I'll die and stop updating. This next chapter is so long that I decided to split it up into 3 parts (for each of the 3 days Gunn is on the bus to Raccoon).  
  
**Chapter 2: Highway to Hell (Part 1)  
  
** "So are you ready to go?" a familiar voice called to me as I lit up a cigarette for the first time in 10 long years. See I had quit when I was just a young kid of 15 who had started a few years earlier. My dad had died of lung cancer cause of the things. I wanted to better myself back then but you'd be surprised how quickly things changed. After my shitty marriage ended, I got fired, and sent on a "special assignment" with the coffee boy I needed a good smoke to calm my nerves down before I killed somebody.

Looking over my shoulder I saw Dennis standing a few feet away from me nervously looking at the clock. We were at the bus terminal and already had all our bags loaded onto the bus. I was just stalling as I wasn't exactly "thrilled" to be on a bus with the kid for three days.

"Are you smoking?" Dennis called out to me with a look of disgust on his face. I tell you as the days went by I was going to get used to seeing that face. Anyway I was about to give the kid the "No shit, Sherlock" speech when I got a rude tap on the shoulder.

"Excuse me sir, you're going to have to put that out before entering the bus..."

"God dammit! Quit twisting my damn nuts lady...can't you see I'm trying to have a god damn smoke here?" I yelled at the rather large and chunky female bus driver as he shook her head and waddled over to the bus to let the other passengers on. Dennis quickly strolled over to me with his same nerd ensemble on and a really awkward fanny pack.

"Come on we gotta get on the bus. The boss said-"

"I know what he said Dennis. And I'm still pretty pissed off about that little wake up call of yours this morning..."

"You were oversleeping..."

"IT WAS FOUR IN THE GOD DAMN MORNING! For Christ sake the bus doesn't even leave till NINE!" I nearly ripped Dennis' head off as I turned my back to him to continue my smoke. I'll tell you not even the smooth toxic nicotine in my throat could make me feel any better at that point. To make matters when I answered the phone and told him to go fuck himself he came over to my place and nearly knocked the door down and dragged me out here at 7 AM. I'm not a bad guy...you can understand my frustration of being woken up at 4 in the morning, then dragged out of bed several hours later to arrive at the bus station 2 hours early. I know the kid must have been nervous being that it's most likely his first field assignment since he is the coffee- boy. We both needed the job but frankly it was all just ridiculous.

"You don't need to be so cranky about it...you want some tuna?"

"No thank you I already vomited this morning" I shuddered as the boy offered me his special "tuna fish with extra mayo" sandwich for the fifteenth time. Talk about a nerd and a momma's boy. The kid was 18 and he still ate sandwiches that looked like they were made by ma. I was sure that he probably lived with his parents still being that he's only an intern at a tabloid.

"Alright now boarding" the bus driver called and dropped my cigarette on the pavement and followed the line of ugly people into the long grey-hound bus. Upon entering I noticed the long stream of seats and elderly people that filled them up along with several small children. Not a hot ticket in the lot of the ugly freaks. It was definitely official...it was going to be a VERY long trip. Also considering that one of the first things I noticed was there was only one bathroom and so many elderly people that probably couldn't control their bladders it was probably gonna smell something fierce pretty soon.

Dennis and I took a seat near the middle of the bus and I stuffed my duffel bag full of notes and other personal belongs in a compartment above my head. My short yet clean cut black hair a mess as I pulled out a comb and tried to make it a little less wavy. I hate my hair.

"I'm going to go to the bathroom"

"Yeah good idea; do it before the old people get to it" I called out to him rather loudly attracting a stare or two from the crowd of senior citizens that surrounded me. Not like I really gave a rat's ass. But in the few moments that Dennis left his seat available to my luck another senior citizen who had just gotten on the bus waddled over and sat next to me. In my 25 years of life I've always been tolerant of others. Yeah I know you're thinking "Yeah right" but seriously I was a good guy before everything in my life went to shit.

Anyway already feeling particularly angry with the early wake up call I kind of said some things that I now regret.

"Hey gramps, why don't you sit somewhere else you smell like tuna fish and gold bond powder" I had snickered as the old guy with a rather gentle face turned rather sour.

"What did you say?"

"What you didn't hear me the first time? I said beat it before your bladder starts acting up and you have an accident"

"Why you!" the old guy tried to shout as his face turned red and he gripped his cane rather tightly like he was holding back to urge to beat me to death. His eyes began to bulge and wrinkly old skin began to tighten.

"Whoa don't have a heart attack, pops" I had replied smugly pretty much ignoring how angry I was making the poor old guy. He just stared at me like a bear stares at a fish before he eats it while I just looked out the window as the bus began to move away from the New York terminal and off to country bumpkin road.

"Don't you kids have any respect for your elders?" He began to shake his fist at that and more old people began to stare at me. I turned away from the window for a second really wishing the old guy would just go away or at least shut up.

"It's kind of hard to respect someone who wears an adult diaper" I smirked and watched as the old guy in complete shock got up out of his seat and wandered away angrily cursing and muttering looking for another seat. My mission to get the old guy away from me was accomplished and I'm afraid I was guilty of feeling good about hurting the old guy's feelings too.

Just then Dennis arrived back from the bathroom looking at all the old faces staring at me angrily and sitting down with a look that just said "You know, I don't even want to know".

"I can't believe it...my first field assignment. This is going to be great!" Dennis squealed excitedly like a kid going to Disneyland for the first time. His eyes seemed to light up and I could tell he was really looking forward to the chance to prove himself and become a real reporter.

"It's not that great kid. It's just interviewing a bunch of rednecks in this mid-western hick town Raccoon City. I assure you it's going to be long...it's going to be very painful...and it's going to be boring like a root canal" I sighed as I looked away from the happy kid. Even my remarks didn't seem to bring him down. Little did either of us know I was right for the most part about what was going to happen. Yes, it was going to be LONG. Yes, it was going to very painful. But boring? Oh I wish.

"Hey what do you got there?" Dennis asked as his curiosity seemed to peak after watching me pull out a little silver canteen. I opened the lid rather quickly and brought it to my nose as I sniffed the sweet aroma of alcohol.

"It's scotch kid"

"You're not supposed to have alcohol on board!" Dennis nearly shouted like a big moron as I covered his mouth with my hand.

"Jesus will you be quiet. What are you trying to do get me kicked off the bus?" I exclaimed as I let my mouth drop from the kid's mouth and began taking rather large sips of my scotch. Meanwhile poor Dennis kept staring at me like I was some sort of zoo animal in a cage before I finally turned to face him again.

"What are you looking at? Did you think I was really going to spend three days on a bus with you sober? I'd probably kill myself and you for that matter before we even left the city limits," I sighed as I began to slouch in the rather uncomfortable bus seat and tried to close my eyes and fall asleep. Out of the corner of my eye I could see Dennis' face turn into one of sadness. The kind a puppy gets when he gets yelled at for the first time. For the first time in weeks my nice guy nature finally reemerged again even if only for a little while.

"You want some?" I sighed as I opened my eyes and offered him some scotch.

"No thanks...I don't drink" He paused and began to look down and twiddle his thumbs in nervousness.

"Listen kid I'm sorry it's just I've had it kind of rough for the past little while..." I paused as Dennis looked over a small look of sympathy on his face mixed with curiosity.

"What happened?" He asked slowly as I wondered about whether I should tell him or not bother. He was 18 so he probably wouldn't understand. Still I felt bad for being kind of an asshole to him regardless of his rather annoying wake up call. He was a good kid and he was just excited...I could understand that. I can still remember my first field assignment...but that's another story.

"Well my wife cheated on me and we got divorced. She got everything and I got nothing thanks to her rich daddy and his team of high priced lawyers. To top it off I'm sure you heard that I got fired from Time magazine too. Frankly the only good thing that's happened to me in awhile is this job. With the money I'm getting for this I'll be able to get my life back on track and maybe some of my stuff back from my ex-wife too" I smiled and thought pleasantly about the future.

"Yeah I understand. I don't blame you for being a little bitter. Frankly I need this job too...I've always wanted to be a reporter but nobody would ever give me a chance or read any of my stuff. This is really the only shot I got" Dennis sighed and for the first time that day and for that matter that whole week did I feel generally good without the buzz of alcohol or cigarettes. Even though Dennis and me were completely different, and every now and then he'd start talking about how classic Spiderman villains are way better then this new crap, and even the fact that he ate tuna so much I thought he was going to turn into a fish could stop him and I from actually connecting. Truth be told once I started being bitter and cynical I lost all my friends pretty quickly and Dennis was the closest thing to a friend I had at that point.

"So what do you think we're gonna find in Raccoon sir?"

"You don't have to call me sir, Dennis. This isn't the military. You can call me Gunn"

"I thought only your friends called you Gunn?"

"Well I'm willing to make an exception" I smirked jokingly as I turned away from Dennis again and looked out the window. Yep, I was thinking that things were going to be alright. Maybe the trip wasn't going to be so bad after all.

"So seriously don't you think that villains like the Vulture and Electro are SO much cooler then the new 'ultimate' Spiderman villains. I mean Carnage is SUCH a lackey and-"

"Oh God not this again" I moaned as I quickly dug into my pockets and pulled out my CD player and jammed the headphones into my ears so tight they were about ready to pop. Then turning the volume up I pressed play and hoped to God the bus was struck by lightning as the AC/DC song blared on. I really was on the highway to hell...

---  
  
**Closing Comments:**   
Well that's the end of the second chapter, part one. What will happen to our pseudo anti-hero and big time grouch Gunther on the second day of the bus ride? Will he go mad and start killing people? Will he ever stop being such a cynical bastard? What happens to him to turn him into the nice guy he will become before the story is over? And will Dennis and Gunn kill each other along the way? Remember to review if you want to see part 2!


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